For Partners of Trauma Survivors

Intimate relationships stir things up—for all of us. For survivors of childhood sexual abuse or other sexual trauma, sex in the context of intimacy can be challenging.

Many women and men are survivors of childhood sexual trauma. Since one in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before they reach adulthood, it’s likely that you will someday be in a relationship witha survivor of childhood sexual trauma.

And it’s not unusual for both partners in a couple to have experienced sexual trauma. Each may be in a very different stage of healing. Your partner’s work may cause you to face events you’d never explored. Or your partner’s healing process may cause you to revisit issues you thought you had resolved long ago.

For couples dealing with sexual trauma, author Staci Haines offers the question: “How can we support each other in this healing process and also take care of our adult relationship?” 

In her DVD, Healing Sex, Haines outlines what she considers the key elements to taking care of your sexuality over a lifetime: self-pleasuring, discovery, and dedicating time to your sexuality inside your partnership.

What about partners? Partnering with someone in the midst of healing from sexual trauma is not easy. Your support and love really can help your partner heal. Just the fact of being loved, over time, with all of those triggers and all of that history, can be healing. Certainly, your steadfast presence can help your partner to learn how to trust. Most importantly, by taking care of yourself—including your sexual fullness—you can stand as a reminder to your partner that sexual wholeness is possible. On a bad day, that will go a long way toward encouraging your partner to hang in there.

Here are some suggestions for partners of trauma survivors:

Be authentic. That doesn’t mean being selfish. It means that you remember who you are. What are your concerns? What are your aspirations?

Negotiate sexual frequency, sexual activities, affection, and nonsexual touch. Be proactive. While you may negotiate a time out from sex—for either of you—remember that your sexual heat is good. It’s good to be sexual. It’s good to want sex, to feel sexy, to get hot, to be turned on.

Masturbate. Keep that intimate connection with yourself vital.

Don’t take it personally when your partner gets triggered. You didn’t cause the trauma, and you didn’t do anything “wrong.” For survivors of sexual trauma, it is inevitable that triggers will arise during sex.

Don’t shrink your shared sex life in order to avoid triggers. Keep gently expanding the comfort zone—for both of you.

Develop a trigger plan. In her book Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma, Staci Haines suggests survivors create a detailed, step-by-step plan for handling triggers during sex. You can create a similar plan for yourself. How do you want to handle triggers that come up for your partner? By listing your options ahead of time, you’ll have more choice in responding to triggers that arise during sex. You can talk about it with your partner and come up with a joint strategy for maintaining your shared erotic life while respecting the need for safety—for both of you.

Don’t be a martyr or a savior. You can’t “save” your partner from the pain of healing by sacrificing your own well-being.

Get your own support, including touch. Along with friends, therapists, and discussion groups, support can include massages, bodywork, and hugs from friends.

I work with both survivors of sexual trauma and their partners. Please feel free to call on me.